June 15th

I got a nice compliment form an older lady while at work today. She said I had a very bright smile and made people feel welcome. After work I went skate boarding and it made me sore, I haven't skated since highschool so that makes sense lol. I filled up my gas tank, that was 40$. Money is really tight right now.

June 17th

I don't think I will get to go to college any more. I was denied any private student loans because no one wants to co-sign for me. No one has that sort of finanical security. If i was to go, My bill is 900$ a month. I cant afford that at all haha. I haven't been able to do much but cry, and after I do I feel so empty. I've been having panic attacks off and on all day. I won't lie, I wish I could give up. Its a bit selfish but I wish someone would comfort me. The only option would be my mom and she's trying her best but...I just want to be held. Hugged and told that even if things don't work out that I will be okay. I wish she would hug me like she used to. I know I should step up and ask but that is so much harder than it should be. The idea makes me feel a weird shame. like i'm asking too much. Her ways of showing love don't go unnoticed. She made me dinner when I know she had no plan too before the loan denials. I wish I didnt have to plead for help. I cant do this alone anymore. I can't sob in my loft anymore knowing my parents can hear me and say nothing. I'm already barely making it through. Living with my father is so hard. everythime i see him or hear him I just remember being so little and him yelling at me that i'm useless. Sure, it was a joke, but who jokes like that to a child. Especially a child who would cry over dead bugs. I feel like I cannot grow. Like my beloved hibiscus, roots growing to long and too complex to fit her pot. So the roots start to tangle and knot all clawing for nutrients. Until they begin to steal from each other, starving themselves to grow. Just a little longer she thinks, and then I will be gifted a new pot. A pot as beautiful as her. I just had to make it a little longer. If i cannot leave in August, like my hibiscus. I too will starve

I don't know what will happen tommorow. Maybe I'll die, maybe I'll win the lottery. Maybe I will run away. Maybe someone will save me, or help me save myself.But I have to make it until tommorow

June 18th

I cant kill myself yet I need to know what happens with the epstein list!

June 19th

I woke up aty 7am and the first feeling I had was dissapointment for still being alive. I'm still having multiple panic attacks a day and this is the third consistent day of having no want to live. But I have to make it to tommorow

June 20th

I'm still having horrible panic attacks. A handful a day.Dad says this school is a waste of my time, but he doesn't understand how important a degree is for the professinal art industry. I want this to be over. No more crying. No more yelling. No more living with him. No more money. I want to be nothing. Have nothing. Feel nothing. I wish someone would hold me, not stare when I start to cry and not listen as i cry alone. I feel so alone, I cant be the only one who soothes me anymore. A part of me says thats too much to ask. I should be grateful for having shelter and food and parental support. I am not strong enough to be the only one who console me. I dont have the energy to off myself, but god forbid these feelings return while im going 70 down the highway. But i have to make it to tommorrow.